Picture this: It’s the end of the day, you’re exhausted, trying to get the kids into bed and they decide to “misbehave”. Tell me, are you stopping to analyze why they’re misbehaving at this moment? No, probably not. You’re probably doing the only thing you can muster up in this very exhausting and frustrating moment; you yell, threaten, bribe, or maybe even just give up and hope everyone falls asleep soon on their own.
That’s fair. But what if I told you that stopping to analyze the why behind your kids’ behavior just might be the solution to resolving and redirecting their shenanigans?
You see, there are only four simple reasons why any of us do the things we do: Escape, Access, Attention, and Automatic.
We have all learned that specific behavior will get us specific results. For example, I’ve learned that if I call out sick to work on Mondays, I won’t have to sit through the boring weekly meeting (Escape).
Your child is clever and has figured out a similar strategy to get what they want. Unfortunately, if they’re misbehaving, that means they have learned the wrong way to get what they want.
Once you pinpoint which function is responsible for the behavior, you can then use that to redirect the behavior altogether, over time. By understanding these functions, we can develop strategies that promote positive behavior and support children’s healthy development.
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Let’s dive deeper into each function and how you can determine which function is responsible.
1. Escape
Children may misbehave as a means of escape when they find themselves in uncomfortable or undesirable situations. This can include avoiding tasks they perceive as challenging, such as refusing to do homework or throwing tantrums during transitions. By misbehaving, children hope to avoid or delay the distressing situation.
Again, this behavior (like all behavior) is learned. Meaning, somewhere along the way your child learned how to escape a certain situation by behaving in a certain way. For example, maybe your child kicks and screams every time they have to go to the dentist’s office. It’s probably clear they don’t like being at the dentist’s (who does?), but they are only doing this behavior because at some point they were able to escape the dentist – or delay the visit- by kicking and screaming. If the behavior is rewarded once, it will continue to happen in hopes it’ll be rewarded again.
Recognizing escape as a function of misbehavior allows us to address the underlying sources of stress, provide support and guidance, and help children develop more adaptive coping mechanisms.
The Takeaway: A child should NEVER be rewarded for misbehaving. In this case, the “reward” is to escape, so you should not let your child escape the task if they are misbehaving. Instead, teach coping mechanisms or have them use their words appropriately to ask for a break or another option (if available). This way, when they do the appropriate behavior, you can reinforce them for it! Which will teach them how to appropriately get through tough situations.
2. Access
Misbehavior can also stem from children’s desire to obtain access to tangible rewards or desired outcomes. They may engage in disruptive or attention-seeking behaviors to gain material possessions, privileges, or attention. Examples could include demanding toys or treats, interrupting conversations, or acting out to receive preferential treatment.
Let’s look at the dentist example again. Let’s say your child is kicking and screaming at the dentist, but instead of trying to escape the situation they are looking for a sticker since the last time they kicked and screamed at the dentist’s office the receptionist gave them a sticker to “calm him down”. So, what did your child learn? That if they kick and scream at the dentist’s they will be rewarded with a fun sticker.
Understanding the tangible function of misbehavior allows us to set clear boundaries, teach patience and delayed gratification, and foster alternative ways for children to achieve their goals through positive behavior.
The Takeaway: A child should NEVER be rewarded for misbehaving. In this case, the “reward” is to access something, so you should not let your child have access to the reward if they are misbehaving. Instead, teach appropriate ways to ask for things they want, teach how to wait if the item is not available right now, and how to accept and move on if the item is not available ever. This way, when they do the appropriate behavior, you can reinforce them for it! Which will teach them how to appropriately get the things they want (and how to handle their behaviors when they don’t get what they want).
3. Attention
Children may misbehave to seek attention or recognition from parents, teachers, or peers. This behavior can manifest as acting out, breaking rules, or engaging in disruptive behaviors to elicit a response from those around them. Sometimes, children aim to gain attention by misbehaving, even if it is negative or reprimanding.
For example, if a child is kicking and screaming while you are on the phone, they have probably been rewarded with your attention in the past by kicking and screaming, even if it was you scolding them to “stop interrupting!” you when you’re on the phone. Again, if they got what they wanted by kicking and screaming, they will continue to kick and scream whenever they want your attention in the future because they know it works!
Recognizing attention-seeking as a function of misbehavior allows us to provide children with opportunities for positive attention, reinforce desirable behaviors, and teach them alternative ways to seek and receive attention through appropriate channels.
The Takeaway: A child should NEVER be rewarded for misbehaving. In this case, the “reward” is gaining attention, so you should not let your child have attention if they are misbehaving. Instead, teach appropriate ways to ask for attention, and teach how to wait if the person is not available right now. This way, when they do the appropriate behavior, you can reinforce them for it! (i.e. give them LOTS of attention when they do the appropriate behavior). This will teach them how to appropriately get attention.
4. Automatic
Misbehavior in children can also arise from habitual or automatic responses to specific triggers or situations. These behaviors are often ingrained through repetition and may occur without conscious thought or intention. Examples include nail-biting, hair-pulling, or impulsive reactions to frustration.
Automatic (or sensory) behaviors are more difficult to redirect because the “reward” is internal, which means we don’t have control over it. But we can still teach replacement behaviors to help them find a more appropriate way to get their desired “reward”.
Recognizing the automatic function of misbehavior helps us identify the underlying triggers and develop strategies to interrupt and replace these habits with more constructive behaviors. We can support their personal growth and development by promoting self-awareness and teaching children alternative ways to respond to triggers.
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Understanding the four functions of misbehavior—escape, tangible, attention, and automatic—sheds light on the underlying motivations behind children’s challenging behaviors. By recognizing these functions, parents, educators, and caregivers can respond effectively, providing guidance, support, and teaching alternative behaviors.
By addressing the root causes of misbehavior, nurturing positive relationships, setting clear boundaries, and promoting self-regulation skills, we can help children develop appropriate ways to express themselves, manage their emotions, and engage in positive behavior.