Tell me if you’ve heard this before: You Can’t Always Get What You Want! Yes, yes. We all know that we can’t be in control all the time and sometimes we even have to do things we don’t want 😭 This isn’t an easy lesson (even for adults), but boy oh boy it’s an important lesson to know! Especially for children.
Children have a natural desire for independence and control, but it is important to guide them toward understanding the value of cooperation and collaboration. When your child constantly seeks control, it can lead to power struggles and conflicts within the family. Sometimes, your child may even act out in extreme behaviors if they don’t get the control their seeking, leading to tantrums, tears, and upsets.
It’s important your child learns the very difficult lesson that things may not always go your way. (This lesson can even be tough for adults to learn). Without this understanding, your child could grow up to be demanding, dysregulated, and destructive when they don’t get their way.
By redirecting their mindset and fostering a cooperative approach, you can create a harmonious and respectful dynamic. Let’s explore strategies to help redirect your child’s need for control toward a more cooperative mindset.
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1. Empathize With Their Feelings
When your child expresses a need for control, it is essential to acknowledge and empathize with their feelings. Help them understand that their emotions are valid, while also explaining that everyone in the family has a role in decision-making and contributing to the household. By validating their emotions, you create a foundation for open communication and cooperation.
2. Offer Choices When You Can
Providing your child with age-appropriate choices within predetermined limits can help them feel a sense of control while maintaining boundaries. Instead of giving them complete control over a situation, offer them two or three options that are acceptable to you. For example, when it comes to selecting an outfit, you can provide choices while ensuring they are appropriate for the weather or the occasion. This teaches them that sometimes they do get to have control, while other times they need to be flexible.
3. Set Clear Expectations & Rules
To further demonstrate this, balance their choices with guidelines that are outside of their control. Do this by establishing clear expectations and rules within the household. Involve your child in the rule-making process to some extent, allowing them to feel a sense of ownership, (again, balance). Clearly explain the reasons behind the rules and emphasize the importance of everyone’s compliance. When expectations are transparent, it becomes easier for your child to understand their role within the family structure. It also gives your child another opportunity to practice accepting and following rules that are not in their control.
4. Collaborative Problem-Solving
Engage your child in collaborative problem-solving discussions. When conflicts or disagreements arise, encourage them to express their opinions and concerns while also listening actively to others. Guide them through a process of finding solutions that consider everyone’s needs and interests. This approach teaches them the value of compromise and working together towards a common goal, as well as gives them the tools they need to successfully navigate the feeling of wanting to be in charge.
5. Model Flexibility & Compromise
Guess who also has to be flexible with control? You, me and everyone else! As parents, it is crucial to model flexibility and compromise in your own behavior. Show your child that everyone must adapt and make compromises at times. Demonstrate effective problem-solving and conflict-resolution skills by openly discussing and finding solutions together. By witnessing these behaviors, your child will learn to approach situations with a cooperative mindset.
6. Encourage Responsibility
Help your child understand the connection between control and responsibility. Explain that as they grow older, they will have more opportunities to make decisions and take on responsibilities. Emphasize the importance of being accountable for their choices and actions. Gradually assign age-appropriate tasks and chores that allow them to contribute to the family and gain a sense of control over their own responsibilities.
7. Teach Effective Communication Skills
Communication is key to resolving conflicts and redirecting the need for control. Teach your child effective communication skills such as active listening, expressing themselves respectfully, and seeking understanding. Encourage them to use “I” statements to express their needs and concerns, fostering a cooperative and collaborative environment where everyone’s voice is heard.
8. Celebrate Achievements and Efforts
As always, CELEBRATE THE WINS 🎉 Acknowledge and celebrate your child’s achievements and efforts in practicing cooperation and flexibility. Praise their ability to compromise, make thoughtful decisions, and work collaboratively. By recognizing their positive behavior, you reinforce the value of cooperation and encourage them to continue on the path of respectful interaction.
Redirecting your child’s need for control towards a cooperative mindset is a gradual process that requires patience, understanding, and consistent effort. By empathizing with their feelings, offering choices within limits, fostering collaborative problem-solving, and modeling flexibility, you can guide your child toward becoming a cooperative and responsible individual. Remember to celebrate their progress along the way, as each step taken in the direction of cooperation is a valuable achievement for both your child and the family dynamic.
Let us know what your thoughts are on managing controlling behaviors with your children!